Time’s fun when you’re having flies (Kermit)

Boy, am I tired.

I’ve had book signings at Coldwater Creek, the AARP 50+ in New Orleans, the Thousand Springs Festival of the Arts on Ritter Island in Hagerman, Idaho, a gorgeous spot harboring a Mosquitosaurus rex whose bite caused one eye to swell shut for two days, and Barnes and Noble. I’ve been interviewed on TV for the second time. All while working at my day job.

I did pretty well at Thousand Springs. I sold both books at a discount, and wore shades to hide my grotesquely swollen face so the children wouldn’t scream and run away, thereby preventing their parents from buying my books. By Monday I was at least recognizable. People just said I looked tired. By Friday I just had a little red bump, which is what most people ever get in the first place. You couldn’t even see it on TV, which was my main concern.

I didn’t do so well at Barnes and Noble, though. They ordered in plenty of books this time because last year I sold out in an hour and fifteen minutes both times, and so there were still some left after four hours. It was really slow. Really really slow.Then I found out that it was Conference weekend. That’s a big Mormon event that takes people out of town or keeps them glued to their TVs for the duration. I should have known. There wasn’t much traffic on the streets either.The upside is that Barnes and Noble will now have to put my books on their shelves, at least until they all get bought.

I wish there were some way to get them to put them there on a regular basis. Guess I’m just not famous enough yet.

I’m blogging from work today because I’m on call and waiting around for frozen sections on a case that starts (starts!) at 4 pm, assuming it’s on time, which at that time of day would be a bloody miracle. By the time I get home tonight there will barely be time to eat and crash, let alone blog, check e-mail, look at Facebook, feed the cat, etc. I wish I could retire now, but I’m scared to let go of the regular paycheck. I’m scared to be one of those people who retire thinking their investments will allow them to live out their golden years in comfort, and then the economy takes a dump and it all goes away. 

Do you suppose that things will settle down after the election?

What if Romney gets elected and then we get a Democratic Congress that doesn’t let him do anything? How is that going to be an improvement over what we have now?

What if Medicare and Social Security go away?

Personally, I feel that dying with one’s boots on is way overrated.

 

 

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Oh the hectic life of a famous author!

Right. I wish I had one.

Or maybe I do. Let’s see, I’ve got four book signings coming up, and now an interview on local TV. One of the book signings is in New Orleans at the AARP convention. I paid iUniverse beaucoup bucks to arrange that for me, and I still have to get there and stay there overnight on my own nickel. Seems unfair. Why can’t I have a publisher like JB Fletcher on Murder She Wrote that pays for everything and wines and dines her besides?

Maybe in today’s economy they don’t exist anymore. Hence the rise of indie publishing.

Since my publisher won’t even assign me a publicist until I finish paying them for my publicity package, I’ve had to arrange all my events myself. Maybe by the time they get around to publicizing me, there won’t be anything left for them to do.

No, that’s unfair. Last time my publicist got me interviews in newspapers and radio stations all over the country. No TV, however, except for my local station. But I did that myself this time, perhaps because they know me now.

Last time they interviewed me I grossed them and my TV viewers out by mentioning a big juicy colon; I wonder hoiw much they talked about that after the show was over! Did it really make anybody lose their breakfast? Did they get letters? Or threatening e-mails?

I remember once years ago that Tom Brokaw did a segment from Vietnam where he showed and described some rather unsavory local dietary practices. I think it was the drinking of snake blood that created a huge backlash from viewers who had actually lost their breakfasts at the very thought.

Now … I wonder what gross thing I can mention this time. Hmmm.

I hate a dull interview, don’t you?